intro (or, my thoughts on the blogosphere slash the universe, OR self-gratifying speech about writing + internet storytime.

I hereby propose a new piece of english punctuation, to be enacted by the board of people who decide grammar - i imagine their office would be held in some medieval-looking castle in the clouds - effective, hearby, starting now, immediately. it shall be known as:

(pause of eight seconds)

THE SINGLE PARENTHESIS.

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let it sink in.
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i actually hope that the period roller coaster doesn't become a thing.

you might think it strange! (stranger even than my unprompted use of the phrase "period roller coaster") -- you might think it strange that i would lead into a discussion about the single parenthesis with clearly a standard use of the classic double parenthesis, or parentheses [no need to say the "double" then. i mean you could, but double parentheses, now you're looking at brackets and squiggly brackets {what are those things called?}, and that's just trouble.

but ah! i just did it without realizing it. forgot to close the bracket. it's the grammatical equivalent of forgetting to roll up the windows in the car when you know perfectly well it's going to rain. for years i have been frustrated by this particular typographical error. it'll happen once in awhile, and it'll just sneak up on you too. and you'll say how did i forget to close the parenthesis? poor sad parenthesis, alone, probably really upset. talk about don't leave me hanging bro.

but now i've had it with all that nonsense. and it is nonsense. a parenthesis should be able to stand alone. this is why:

1. what is the point of a parenthesis? it's like a step back, a gear shift, a sidebar of sorts (respect the sidebar). <--- this is one use. again, standard, very indentifiable: ratio of words in parentheses to words in a normal sentence? favorable. antecedent of the parentheses in close proximity to its parenthetical counterpart? affirmative. looks like some parentheses? you betcha.

2. if you continue an entirely new thought within parentheses, it can get complicated, punctuation wise. Do I put a period at the end of the parenthetical thought? Will it look weird if I finish the sentence right there? and now I've got this a period-close-parentheses-period thing going and I don't like how that looks, I'm going to rephrase my sentence........no! unnnecccesssary i say. what kind of a greedy little attention whore is that close parenthesis that he needs to show up right at the end, when he knows things are probably getting really crowded, AND, most importantly, when everyone's already moved on! you serve no purpose second parenthesis. everyone can see the thought is completed. they see the brackets and the periods and what not, they know the show's over. they're moving on to the next sentence. but you just had to show your face, had to try to get your money's worth. well no one wants to see you. maybe if you had gotten up out of bed ten minutes earlier you would have beaten the first guy, and you'd be back there, getting cozy with the antecedent. but no. you are a slut.

3. a parenthesis doesn't need another parenthesis to define them as a parenthesis. nor should it be a competition to see who can be the first parenthesis, since apparently some people get pretty worked up over it. but i feel that a parenthesis has done its job when it has seized the attention of the reader, directed it to a specific place, and either added to, clarified, or taken a previous thought further in a particular direction. after that, let the other punctuation have a go at it! they're perfectly capable of guiding us through the sentence. 98 times out of a 100, you're gonna want to close that puppy up. but if it feels natural to let the little guy kinda wave there in the wind, let him go, he can take care of himself. i guarantee he has a good time.